I'm coming back home!!!

 

This weekend, I had the joy of receiving some teachings at a nearby Buddhist center on the occasion of its 25th anniversary. The event happened in perfect synchronicity with a personal milestone , reaching middle age , a time that has surfaced many questions. Or perhaps, those questions were always there, simply waiting for me to give them form.

Lately, it feels as if a powerful force is urging me to be real, to be true to myself  and to question what is often left unspoken. I’ve always felt different from others, and I say that without a trace of ego. Even as a child, my deepest fears were never about monsters or being alone at night; they were about death itself. I couldn’t accept that life, seen through this extraordinary and intricate vehicle we call the body, could just end like that.

Later, another great fear appeared, the fear of losing my freedom. I responded by choosing a simple way of life: sometimes staying in hotels, sometimes in caves, carrying nothing more than a backpack and a meditation stool. For about fifteen years, I wandered, meeting new cultures, faces, and landscapes, living profound experiences in Buddhist retreats. Above all, I was free, ready to move anywhere, at any moment, if my heart called for it.

But life, as it always does, unfolded differently, not in a straight line, but in spirals. In 2007, my daughter was born. With her arrival came the purest form of love I had ever known, and also the surrender and devotion that motherhood brings. Everything shifted quickly. I finished my degree, found a regular job, and soon boarded the train of everyday life. I became part of the system, punctual, efficient, productive , yet never fully convinced that this was my path.

For years I kept spinning in that wheel, while questions quietly pulsed in the back of my mind: Isn’t life meant to be fully lived, in nature, in love, in the constant doing that helps us grow and serve others? The life I was living felt distant from that truth.

During this weekend’s Buddhist celebration, I came to understand something new: sometimes, the self must separate in order to recognize “home” again. This "home" is  like a space, the space that allows unification. It feels as if I had chosen to hide for a few years, only to rediscover the joy of meeting my true self once more.

How will I make this transition? I honestly don’t know. What I do know is that this inner energy has never failed me and what I'm experiencing now is a kind of certainty.

I’ve always been the ocean, I just played at being a wave for a while. Remembering that I have always been water brings immense relief. As I merge again with the ocean, I trust the universe to weave this reunion at the right time.

May all beings be happy, truly happy. 🌊


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